You’ll agree, this is pretty winning:
Dear Mr. Lawson,
Please find enclosed a rejection letter in three codas and a poem.
1) If you insist on being all formal, even though we chat every day on Twitter, FINE then. Otherwise, “Dear Editor” is my father. You can just call me… Oh, wait. That’s not quite right.
2) You, sir, have failed at the Internets today. And by that I mean you have failed to follow my every move, blog post and Tweet in the last two weeks or so (how dare you?). Otherwise you would know that we already purchased an excellent story by @jakedfw which is written as a Twitter stream. And, surely, no anthology can contain TWO stories told in this format without triggering the very apocalyptic calamity that is the subject of your tale.
3) I’m well aware of your insidious plan to post all rejections on the Internet. I hate it, mostly because I didn’t think of it first. There is now a significant amount of pressure on me to be display razor sharp wit. And since I do not possess such, I shall borrow from Anatoly Belilovsky, who has wit to spare and is the author of the following:
Your stories soar like birds,
I wish I could acquire ‘em,
but I seek only words
fit for an aquarium.Sincerely,Dear Editora/k/a Alex ShvartsmanUnidentified Funny Objects